Ever feel like you're just too well-liked online? Too much positivity in your feed? If so, it might be time for a change! It's time to destroy that pristine reputation and learn the true dance of the internet: public shaming, hasty apologies, and calls for your career's demise.
Don't worry, it's easier than you think. Follow this foolproof guide, and you'll be trending alongside hashtags like #isoverparty in no time!
Step 1: Forget History Class
Remember how your history teacher was always harping on about "context" and not judging the past by modern standards? Yeah, throw that out the window. We're going full-on presentism here.
Scour the internet for evidence of "bad" opinions held by anyone remotely famous. Deceased writer from the 1800s? Doesn't matter! Let's analyze their problematic views on women's suffrage with the moral superiority only 2023 Twitter can provide. Think of those old tweets from celebrities and politicians that get dug up – that's the energy we're channeling! Nuance is for losers – we're here to judge!
Step 2: Master the Art of the Out-Of-Context Quote
Context is cumbersome; soundbites are a cancellation goldmine. Find that one tweet from 2010 where a comedian made a slightly edgy joke. Crop out any follow-ups that might add clarity or, heaven forbid, self-awareness. Slap that quote over a somber stock image, throw in a few fire emojis and the word "yikes," and you're ready to go viral!
Think about how the Roald Dahl controversy flared up due to isolated descriptions being pulled from his books without considering the larger context. That's the power of a well-placed, out-of-context quote!
Step 3: Become a Champion of "Whataboutism"
Caught in the cancel culture crosshairs yourself? Someone pointing out that time you laughed at a mildly offensive meme? No sweat – we call this a "whataboutism" moment. Deflect faster than a politician caught in a lie!
Immediately start scouring the history of the person who called you out. Find their most embarrassing teenage tweet. Doesn't matter if it's irrelevant or from a decade ago – the goal is distraction. J.K. Rowling's defenders often fall into this trap when discussions of her views on transgender issues arise. They'll deflect to her charitable work or the "problematic" content in other fandoms. It's the digital equivalent of screaming, "Look over there!" while you scurry away from any actual accountability.
Step 4: Perfect the Premature Apology
Okay, let's say the mob doesn't get distracted by your shiny whataboutism trinket. It's time for damage control: the lukewarm apology. Your key ingredients are:
- "I'm listening and learning" (vague enough to mean absolutely nothing)
- Subtle hints that people are blowing this out of proportion
- A promise to "do better" (what exactly you'll do differently is best left unsaid)
Bonus points: Release this masterpiece via your Notes app for an extra dose of faux-sincerity. YouTubers like Shane Dawson and James Charles have perfected this art form. It's not about actually changing your behavior; it's about looking like you might, maybe, consider it... someday.
Step 5: Wait for the Mob and Enjoy the Ride
Congratulations! You're officially canceled... for now. Resist the urge to log off in humiliation. No, no, this is your moment! Screenshot the most vicious comments (extra points for death threats) and play the wounded puppy. "Wow, so this is what online bullying feels like," you might tweet, conveniently ignoring your role in instigating the pile-on.
Companies you've vaguely worked with might release awkward disclaimers. Friends might awkwardly distance themselves. Revel in the glorious dumpster fire of your online presence! You might even temporarily lose some followers, like Doja Cat did recently after her questionable past behavior resurfaced. But hey, you're a sacrificial lamb on the altar of social justice, Twitter-style.
And Finally...
Look, I'm not going to lie, cancel culture is messy. Sometimes it's important to hold people accountable, but sometimes the internet's outrage cycle feels more about performative wokeness than actual change. Plus, the best part about getting canceled? The outrage rarely lasts. Give it a week, and the mob will find a fresher target.